Heart Break

When we found out about Kemarah's heart, I was heart broken. Of course she was the one with, quite literally, a "broken heart". Never in my life have I experienced such a broad spectrum of emotions--fear, anger, sadness, hope, desperation and helplessness all at the same time. Over the past few months, each day has brought its own set of challenges. As I watch my little girl live her life as though nothing is wrong, I sometimes question if doctors really do know what they are talking about. How can my happy little girl be "sick"? Each day I pray for her healing, for my own peace, and for patience. Some days are better than others and the day will pass without much thought about her illness. Other days, it seems to control every thought and emotion. I've found that the hardest parts of my days are in the mornings on the way to work after dropping her off. I sometimes just cry the whole way--seeking answers, feeling angry, and wanting so bad for everything in her life to be "normal". The other hard part is sometimes the night, whether I'm laying next to her in her bed as she drifts off to sleep, or lying alone in my bed, letting fear of the unknown take over. Realizing that I have no control in all of this has been my biggest obstacle. As one of my favorite songs says, "I'm so close, to what I can't control." I want to make it better, and I have to face the reality that I can't! In the meantime, I continue to take one day at a time, and deal with whatever emotions each day brings. I hope that in time we will both have our broken hearts healed.

What is Kemarah's Big Happy Heart?

For those of you who don't know me, and for some that do, you may not know that in January of 2011 my daughter, Kemarah, was diagnosed with a chronic heart condition called Dilated Cardiomyopathy. In other words, her heart is enlarged due to a lack of function in one of her ventricles. Like any other muscle, the heart grows when it is "worked out". Since Kemarah's heart is not working properly on one side, the other parts work extra hard to try and compensate for it, thus causing her heart to become larger than it should be. We are now 9 months into this diagnosis and I have realized one thing--I have no control over this situation! As a parent, we would like to think that we have some kind of control over what happens in the lives of our children, but we are only fooling ourselves. I have decided to create this blog for a couple of reasons: one, as therapy for myself, two, to help others cope with similar circumstances, and three, to keep others posted on Kemarah's progress.